A Parenting Trap: Comparisons.
Comparisons.
I’m struggling people.
Not in an overt, loud, complaining to the world way.
But a quiet, not sure, hope-I’m-doing-my-best way.
It’s with my children.
How do you as a parent, compliment and push each one without seeming to slight another?
Or how do you not seems insincere, over praising one to make up with praising another in their presence?
I hate to over think things.
But I do it constantly.
With two children in the house now, who are in constant competition with each other, this comparison thing has been something I think about (or over think) too much.
With so much childhood, parenting skills — praise your children or your doing them harm — floating around in my head, I don’t feel natural.
I wish parenting was natural. And btw, competition is not for me either.
Linking up with Jana@jana’s thinking place.
This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
- Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
- Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
- Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
- Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post (in the sidebar). .
I’m not a parent but I grew up with two siblings, and I know my parents treated us differently. But that’s completely normal. Different children have different personalities and so of course, they need different parenting styles.
My little sister gets everything from my parents right now because she’s the only one at home. Everything she gets is usually paid for by my parents. But at the same time, my parents try to discipline her more strictly. Neither I nor my older sister was treated that way because when we were her age, our parents couldn’t afford it and we occupied with three of us instead of one. I don’t feel slighted in anyway, and that’s because I understand that my parents were in a different circumstance in the past.
I hear something like this from my mom a lot. She tells me she’s unsure if she made the right parenting decision. Well, you know what, children have their own minds. As a parent, there’s only so much you can do, and then most of it is left up to your child.
I absolutely hate hearing my mom say things like, “Oh, I’m not a good parent because my children don’t do blah blah blah.” She is a good parent because she’s cared for her children with the best of her ability. But I especially hate it because, as a parent, she thinks she’s responsible for every single decision we make. She’s not. We, the children, are responsible for our own lives, and she just acts as support along the way. And in my opinion, that’s how it’s supposed to be.
You are not slighting another by complimenting one. You are simply encouraging that child in that moment. Jealousy and Rivalry may pop up from time to time, but, in general, those phases won’t last forever unless you sincerely only support one child and not the other.
Thanks Unie for the encouragement. I know my parents treated my sister and I differently because we were two very different people. And honestly, I think the children sometimes play with me on this level — another form of their competition.
I think as long as you are kind to both and give genuine compliments/praise for things they have done/how they have behaved, both children will feel loved.
I think that if you give them compliments/praise when the other is not around, it will feel even more special to them, too.
I think parenting is natural. It’s just new everyday 😉
On another note sort off the subject about kids. My son had a sleepover the other night. I cooked something I knew they would both like. The macaroni and cheese had broccoli in it. My son asked his friend, “How many broccoli’s did you get in yours?”
Goodness. I know I need to count the cheese puffs but broccoli?
That made me laugh Kenya — and feel better. Seems it must be part of human nature to compare everything.
I’m with you on competition. It’s hard to seem fair sometimes when dispersing compliments to the kids. My kids used to accuse me of taking sides with the other. Didn’t like that. They are so different so I always went that route. It feels natural but they throw wrenches at me sometimes and that makes me nuts. You’re a great mom. I just know it!
“they throw wrenches at me” ha. I’ve got to get better at dodging those wrenches.
this is something i usually have to deal with with my class, as well. 24 kids, all dying for your attention, yet you can’t give too much attention to some because then they’ll want to do anything and everything to get your attention all the time. it’s a delicate balance, and definitely something you learn as you go.
Hi Jamie! Hmmmm….makes me think. I wasn’t aware of this before. I’m sure next time I compliment one of mine, your blog will be screaming in my ear!
I wish parenting was natural
I do too! And I wish the tough parenting decisions somehow felt better than they do!
I know how you feel. I have two kids and there is constant competition between both of them and I get so sick of it. I also struggle with feeling like one of them thinks I spend more time/encourage/play with/etc. etc. with the other one.